Whenever you were ready to give up, I was so quick to try my best and give my all to fix things. & All, I ever got from you was a shot down....You never saw the effort I put in, you looked down on me as if I was no good. Did you ever think about the stuff you did? What if, just what if you were in my shoes would you even be able to handle the pain? The thought of knowing, your trying for someone that clearly doesn’t want to even try for you? How are you going to handle the feeling of being inlove alone? How are you going to feel when someone you love just doesn’t wanna try as hard as you do and all they will ever be good at is walking away and leaving? Tell me how you’d put up with it, cause you make it seem like it’s so easy. Maybe you should give me a helping hand and help me get through this how you would since it’s alll just a piece of cake for you.

I used to walk with my head down thinkin' we would never be together like how we used to be. I'll pray all night to have you in my arms again. Hoping that there's still space in your heart, there for me.

I wrote this awhile ago, but never posted it but it doesn't matter anymore.

First love- So as you all know, this is my boyfriend Logan Hamasaki of 1 year & 6 months ♥ We’ve been through everything, & anything you can imagine in a relationship. Through the smiles & tears, break ups & make ups, meeting eachothers family, spending every waking minute together, EVERYTHING.Most people look at us, as if were the most perfect couple.. Honestly, were not.We fight amost everyday about the small things, disagree a lot, swear at eachother & say things that we dont mean.. But you know what? Ive come to realize that no matter how much times we fight, cuss’ at eachother, & disagree, at the end of the day we’ll always love one another endlessly ♥ I mean, thats what first love is all about right?

Every single time. I tell myself to get over you. To hate you. To not give in. To not give a fuck. To not answer you. Nothing. When you ain’t around & when we don’t talk for ages, I’m strong. Right when you pop back into my life, I’m weak. Seeing your number vibin’ my phone & hearing your voice….I let my walls come down & I just crumple inside. I’m so weak when it comes to you.

I’m so tired of keeping up with us. One minute we’re fine, and the next we aren’t even talking to each other. Maybe this is something we both don’t need in our lives right now. You’re obviously doing your own thing, and I need to continue doing mine.

I've heard it a million times. "You can do better. You deserve so much more." In reality, you're right. But sometimes when you're in love, you love the person for who they are despite what they've done wrong to you. That's what love does to you. It's not about who you deserve, it's about who you want, who you need, and who you love.

I hate how you put me in this position. You’re constantly putting the blame on me. Like it’s my fault we’re always fighting and arguing over stupid shit but that’s not even the bad part about it, its the fact that I let you do that to me. I allow you to push me around and walk all over me, I feel like you only keep me around to satisfy your needs, it’s almost as if you get pleasure out of doing it. But just wait until that one day when i’m no longer here, and you’ll regret ever taking advantage of me.

Trust me, I know how it feels to be given up on not once , not twice but several of times . You think I’m strong enough to keep myself from falling apart. Well I try to be strong not just for myself but for the both of us . I’ve watched every single person that given my all to , put all my effort into , cared & loved with all my heart repay me by walking away from me as if I didn’t mean anything .

I shoulda known if you weren’t gonna fight for me while we were together, that you weren’t gonna fight to keep us together, or the most fight for me to stay. I never mattered not before not now & never will.

You always have me questioning myself all over. I didn’t expect us being where we are, nobody did. I know that people always put shit in my head that puts me in doubt, but there’s no doubt that I will leave. I believe what I’m putting up with is worth it. Despite everyone’s comments, I will hold onto this as long as I can. In time things will change, for the better or worst, but what I have for you stays unconditional. I never had so much hope in anyone but you. I don’t want to receive back disappointments, so don’t let me down. You’ve got me really settled into this one. Maybe it’s because of our past, maybe it’s because you’ve known me so long and well. Maybe because you’re the last guy I would ever be like this around. I’d hate to see a good thing slip away, I’m not giving up. It’s only me and you, I promise you that.

I guess what hurts the most isn’t that I don’t have you.. It’s that at one point, I did. It’s that I can go to sleep missing you, dream I’m with you, then wake up, and realize once more that I don’t have you. Maybe what hurts the most is not that I’m no longer enough, but that at one point, I was.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life

You know what ? I forgot all about my values , I let this guy break me down to the point where I forgot what I deserve , & now a days when I hear " you deserve better " I got myself asking " what's better ? " cause for the last 1 year & 6 months of my life , I thought I already had better .

So hard to let go..

I guess I did get too attached to someone that I can’t even get over the person.. It’s hard, I never really feel like this towards someone unless I lost hella’ feelings for them. But for you, it hasn’t. Its hard. I don’t know what to do. I want to forget about you, but you’re always popping up in my mind out of no where. I wished you didn’t, not trying to be fucked up but I wished you never crossed my mind. It’s hard to think about you &reminisce about the past at the same time.

I just wished I didn’t feel like this about you, I just wished we never met, I just wished I never liked you, I just wished all this wasn’t real. If only it was a dream but it isn’t, its reality. Sigh..

Somehow this reminds me, of me & you "/

I miss having pillow talks. I miss getting goodnight texts/calls. *Sigh.